


Definitely Not In Kansas

by sapfirerose



Category: Southern Vampire Mysteries - Charlaine Harris
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:57:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapfirerose/pseuds/sapfirerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sookie awakens after storm in a odd world full of different types of beings who help her find her way home. This was a Dead Pan Contest entry and a parody of Wizard of Oz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definitely Not In Kansas

**Author's Note:**

> The Dead Pan Contest  
> Title: Definitely Not In Kansas  
> Story/movie parodied: Wizard of Oz  
> Penname: Sapfirerose  
> Beta's Penname: Missus T
> 
> Characters: Eric, Sookie, Alcide, Amelia, Bill, Sam, Gran
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters are definitely belong to Charlaine Harris. The story idea belongs L. Frank Baum and the creators, writers, and producers of the 1939 MGM production of the Wizard of Oz.
> 
> Summary: Sookie awakens after storm in a odd world full of different types of beings who help her find her way home.

I'm going to kill that brother of mine! I asked Jason a week ago to check out my tires to make sure they weren't going flat. That way I would know if I needed to dip into my savings for a new one, or two. But no … He probably didn't even bat an eyelash, or lift a finger, when he told me everything was okay. Now I'm stuck just a mile away from home, on a windy afternoon, trying to get back to the house. I should have known better than to trust him.

_This wind is whipping around like a mother! Ooh Jason makes me mad!  
_

Now don't get me wrong. My temper isn't always on edge like this. I love my brother and I know he loves me. It's just … Well, Jason's priorities are a little skewed. And by skewed, I mean they lean a little closer to the selfish side. He's not always like that, but I do have to think about my timing when it comes to my brother.

For instance, don't ask him to check on your tires when the new waitress at Merlotte's is walking past him in tight black shorts. Jason loves to chase the newest skirt in town; he always has, and always will. That's probably never going to change. So, that's a lesson re-learned for good old Sookie Stackhouse.

_Oh good … home sweet home._ As I walked into the kitchen to see what Gran is doing, I found a note that said she was down at the local church getting it ready for a fundraiser hosted by the Descendants of the Glorious Dead. "Well that figures. It would have been nice to vent to someone about my idiot brother." I guess I'll have to sit here and stew.

I know what you are thinking now; why not just call one of my friends? Well, that's kind of hard when you're an outcast. See, I'm special and I have this disability. Well that's how I think of it - the whole town just thinks I'm crazy.

This disability allows me to read other folks thoughts, even when I don't want to. Imagine trying to go on a date, and hearing every lewd thought he wants to do to you. Or finding out what your friend  _actually_  thinks of your butt in that yellow dress you decided to wear. It's a turn off that's for sure, for me and the people I'm around. The ones who actually tolerate my special abilities are Gran, Jason and my boss, Sam Merlotte; and that's because I never listen to their thoughts.

Jason and Gran are family and it would be darn rude to poke around in their heads every day. I've been doing it so long; it's easy not to listen to them. And Sam, well he's my boss. I've had to quit jobs before because I found out things I didn't want to know from reading the boss' thoughts.

_Oh good, Gran left me some dinner._  I guessed I would just watch some TV before settling to bed.

In the middle of watching season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my power shut off.

"Oh damn. Now doesn't that just beat all?" I said to Tina, my cat, who was perched on my lap.

I got up and stumbled through the dark house to the kitchen, only to notice that the wind picked up considerably more, and it was pouring outside.

"I hope Gran is OK." I walked over to the phone to see if I could get a hold of the church, but my line was dead.

"I guess there's nothing I can do but sit back and wait." I grabbed the flashlight and scooped Tina up, deciding to head into my bedroom.

Suddenly, the house shook and began to shift. "Jesus Christ Shepherd of Judea! The house is moving!" I started to panic and ran into the bathroom, jumping in the tub, since I read somewhere that's the safest place to be during violent storms.

This can't really be happening! I started to say all kinds of prayers and tried to steady Tina as the house continued to shake all around me. After a while, the weather seemed to calm down, but I didn't want to chance venturing out, and I dozed off there for a while.

A couple of hours must have passed because everything seemed very still outside. I got out of the tub and put Tina down, and then the house went "thud." Yes, just like that.

"What in the world? Gran are you here!" Nothing. It was night, and the power still seemed to be off.

I turned on my flashlight and walked to the front of the house. "Well it definitely stopped raining." I opened the front door and looked out. "Wait … where's Hummingbird Road?"

If this makes any sense, what I saw outside did not look like my yard at all. "Where am I?" I said as I stepped out on the porch with Tina peering behind me.

Just then, I heard a howl, and a group of wolves walked up to me, but for some reason, I wasn't afraid. I got the feeling that these animals were happy to see me and thankful that I arrived. "Arrived?"

The wolves lead me to the side of the house where this man is standing, and oh good lord, he's naked. "Hello. Do not be afraid. I'm Alcide the leader of the Long Tooth Pack. We are thankful for your just-in-time arrival." He gestures down to a pair of legs jutting from under my house.

"What the hell? How did that happen? I'm sorry. I certainly didn't mean to crush someone." As I was about to apologize more, the wolves started to appear disgruntled and Alcide raised his hand. "Wait, how did this happen? What are you and where am I?"

"Well, your house landed on Mark Stonebrook, and even if you didn't mean to, you saved my pack from someone who was planning to torture us. We are Werewolves, and as I mentioned before, I'm their leader. As for where you are, the answer to that question will come in time."

Whoa. Now that was a lot of shit he just said. What do I focus on first? "Look Alcide , umm the Werewolf, I just want to get back home to my Gran and make sure everything is OK. Can you help me with that?"

Alcide appeared to be thinking about it when a woman spoke up. "Alcide is right. The answers you seek about where you are will come later. First, I'd like to thank you personally for disposing of Mark Stonebrook."

I turned around to find a petite woman with short chestnut hair and blue eyes holding a black cat. "And who are you? Another Werewolf?"

She smiled. "Oh goodness no. I'm a witch, like Mark Stonebrook here, although I don't practice the same kind of craft he dabbled into. I'm Amelia Broadway."

"Amelia here is,well, a good witch, where Mark was definitely one of the bad ones."

I looked between the two, really? Are they serious? "Good witch, bad witch,witches and more witches! Am I in Oz?"

Amelia chuckled, and I got the feeling that I really wasn't going to get a straight answer about where I was. I'd have to let it drop for now, and chew on it a bit. While I was pondering, Amelia put her cat down and walked over to where Alcide and I were standing, and begin to chant. It sounded like she was speaking Latin, and a bit of other stuff. In any case, the next thing I knew, Mark Stonebrooks' legs started to sink into the ground.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting rid of the body before Mark's evil half, his twin sister Hallow, comes to find this house and eventually you."

"There's another one? Oh no, what am I going to do? My Gran. The house. Am I dreaming?"

Amelia walked over and pinched me. As soon as she touched me, I was able to get a good read of her. I realized that she wasn't dangerous, and she really wanted to help, as well as calm me down. In fact, she was broadcasting so much that I couldn't resist smiling, but I had to step away from her a little to get out of her head.

"Well for now, we have to get you to Niall. He'll know how to help and will keep you safe. In order for you to find him, you will have to follow the yellow road." Amelia gestured to where I thought Hummingbird Road would've been. And sure enough, there's a yellow road.

"Well, I'll be … and are you coming with me?"

"No, Alcide and I have to stay here for now to clear up the evidence. But don't worry, you are not alone. Bob…" Amelia started whispering to her cat and I was surprised to see him run over to Tina. It appeared that the cat was doing its own magic and Tina walked over to stand by me and stayed … like a guard.  _Hmm._

"Now you should be on your way. The night is long, but not long enough for what you need to accomplish. Once you get to Niall, he will be able to help you reach home."

"And will all be as it was before?"

"I'm not sure. We'll see."

There wasn't anymore I could do here. And I definitely wanted to get back to my normal life, so Tina and I started to, and I can't believe I'm saying this, follow the yellow brick road.

It felt like we were walking for an hour, and all was quiet around us. I didn't hear any crickets or other animals, and apparently, there were no cars where I was because I hadn't heard a motor either. We were walking by a corn field when Tina stopped and began to hiss.

Well, I saw some strange things tonight, and I had the feeling that my cat was telling me to stop so I did. I looked down at her and she bolted to the edge of the corn field, where a man stepped out onto the road, only I didn't think he was a man. I couldn't hear him.

He was handsome, in fact, radiant with blond hair and blue eyes. He was wearing boots, black jeans, and a leather vest. He scared me and intrigued me instantly.

He regarded Tina for a moment, and if I didn't know any better it looked like they were having their own conversation as well. If these people, animals, I don't know, things – would just talk to me. I'd sure feel a whole heap better right now.

The guy walked over to me and said, "Hello. I am Eric Northman. I got a call from the witch that you need to be escorted to Niall."

He sounded bored, but his eyes told me a different story.

"Well yeah. I'm Sookie Stackhouse. I'd say I was pleased to meet you, but this situation is rather strange for me. What are you?"

"You do like to get to the point don't you? I am a Vampire and we can cover more ground if we chat and walk."

So we started on our way, and Eric told me about this place, which was full of humans, weres, shifters, fairies and other beings. While it all sounded interesting to me, Eric seemed to be a bit bored with it. But he told me that I'd fit into this world nicely, and that I would need to learn how to think quickly, listen to the right people, and not get too bogged down with my human emotions. It felt like he was warning me about my future, but a future here didn't seem real. This just  _had_  to be a dream.

Within the next hour or so, Tina stopped in her tracks and hissed again. But this time, it seemed like Eric also heard something as he was looking in the same direction as Tina. They seemed to be looking at a cabin a bit down the road, by the field.

Eric motioned for me to be quiet and we walked slowly to the side of the cabin. And that's when I heard a man groan as if in pain, and a woman who was clearly not pleased with him.

"You know nothing Bill Compton. Why your Vampire Queen lets you still roam the world is beyond me. You are lucky you are not the Vampire I seek. I will leave you here restrained by this silver. But if you see Eric Northman, let him know that I know he has that little girl, and I want my revenge."

After that nice little speech, there was a clap of thunder and all became quiet again. I could only hear the sounds of Vampire Bill, and he was obviously in some kind of pain.

Eric motioned for me to stay behind him, and we began to move around the house. On the other side, we ran into who I assumed was Bill. He was darker in appearance than Eric because of his thick dark brown hair and brown eyes. But like Eric, he had the same pale, almost glowing skin, and I couldn't help but be mesmerized by my two Vampires. One was dark, and the other was light.

Eric looked at me and asked, "Could you remove the silver chain that is binding him?"

I could see wisps of smoke coming up from Bill's skin where the silver touched him. "Oh you poor thing." I started to lift the chain immediately, but I didn't discard it.

"Eric."

"Bill."

They seemed to do this nod thing. And then suddenly, a lion appeared. The Vampires seemed to take the intruder in stride, but I was definitely scared. Bill walked to the edge of the yard we were in, and tossed clothes that were hidden there to the lion. And I started to hear this popping noise, and the lion turned into a man.

He started putting on his clothes, as Bill explained to Eric that Hallow was traveling with ten witches. He and Sam, who I guessed was the lion and had decided that he looked strangely familiar to me, were able to distract her, and send her to another way.

"What did you tell her, Bill?"

"I told her that you were on your way to meet Niall and had traveled through this way much earlier. She thinks you are flying."

"You can fly? How come we've been walking this whole time?"

"Well I didn't see the need to have to rush to Niall and there was much I needed to tell you. But now it seems our plans have changed, and the journey will need to move more swiftly."

I looked at Sam the lion and asked him, "Will you take care of Tina while I'm gone?"

Sam smiled, genuinely."Sure."

Eric picked me up, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I looked at Bill one more time, as if I wanted to remember that face. And then Eric lifted off.

We flew over valleys and I couldn't see the yellow brick road any longer. This world didn't look much different than my Louisiana from up here.  _Oh how I wish I could be home right now._

After flying for a while, Eric began to make his decent, and we landed in front of a house that would look like any normal residence back in my home town. We walked up the steps to the front porch and Eric knocked on the door.

A gorgeous woman with legs as long as a stepladder and a beautiful smile answered the door. She walked up to me, hugged me, and pulled me into the house. All I could say was, "Okay."

I looked back at Eric and he stood on the porch, looking rather restrained, as if he was trying not to enter and follow me into the house with this woman.

"What about Eric?"

"He can't come in. You will have to tell him by now."

I unfolded myself from woman's grasp, and walked up to Eric. I gave him a hug and thanked him for keeping me safe. I also assured him that I would try to remember everything he told me on the way here. After that, he walked off the porch and jumped into the sky. In a flash, he was gone.

I looked at woman again and we shrugged. She led me into what looked like the main room to the house. Standing in the middle of the room was a tall, slim man with long golden hair. "Hello, Sookie. I am Niall and that is Claudine."

"Hello, pleased to meet you." I thought I should curtsey, bow, or something, but I really didn't know what these people's customs were, so I just stood there. "Amelia told me that you would be able to get me home."

"Amelia is correct in that I would be able to help you. But I do have to tell you that you are home. Things may not look familiar to you today, but one day soon, you will know this world as your own."

What Niall said sounded very close to what Eric was trying to tell me earlier. I took the information in, and just nodded to him as he said, "My hope, is that you will remember us and see the ones who care for you."

Niall made a motion to the tall lady, "Claudine, go get Claude."

She went to fetch this Claude, who turned out to be a tall, beautiful, male version of her. They stood on either side of me, and Niall approached me with this a silver chalice.

"Drink this and you will be surrounded again with what is most familiar to you."

I grabbed the cup, and looked at the three beautiful giants and thought,  _in for a penny, in for a pound._  before downing the honey sweet liquid. I immediately felt sleepy. I heard Niall start to say, "Remember, Sookie-" as I began to close my eyes. And I thought,  _I'm surprised he didn't have me chant, there's no place like home._

When I opened them, I was in a bed … my bed. I was home! And I could hear Gran coming into the house through the kitchen. I bolted up, and ran to meet her.

"Gran you shouldn't be driving in that storm!"

"Storm? What storm? It's a beautiful day, Sookie."

Day? I looked out the window and realized that I slept through the night and that the storm had blown over. I looked at the clock and realized that I had to high-tail it out if I wanted to get to work on time.

Gran called to me as I ran to the bathroom to go change, "I called Jason this morning about your car on the side of the road. Jason paid for a new tire, and he and Hoyt brought it back to the house."

"Thanks, Gran!" After getting dressed, I headed out to Merlotte's. Today felt like it was going to be different. I had a feeling I was finally going to meet a Vampire.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - This is my second fanfiction story which I also entered into the Dead Pan contest along with Take a Step That Is New. With both fics I wanted to accomplish a couple of things and I think I did it. However, in this story .. I actually wanted to tell a different and longer story. Let me know if you guys are interested, and perhaps with a bit of courage I may try it ... a "revamped" version of this story.
> 
> I have to send out more thanks to my wonderful WTs ... A Redhead Thing and Missus T. I just love this team! And again Northwoman, BonTempsCutie and all the other gals on Twitter who pushed me when I started backing away from the ledge.
> 
> Self pimpage Ahead: If you haven't heard already, I have this little blog called My SVM Addiction. ( mysvmaddiction . blogspot . com ) where I promote fics daily. Lubadub calls me a fanfic pimp and I embrace that title fully. So stop by and say hi anytime. Links are also in my profile if you aren't into copying, pasting, and removing spaces and junk.
> 
> Oh and umm, if you want reviews would be nice. I'm so interested in what you guys thought. *besos*


End file.
